The case of the upside down ironing board

Many of you have been anxiously awaiting this blog post about the ironing board turned upside down on our bed after midnight & after Lee had already been in the bed asleep without the ironing board on top of the bed. This whole ordeal spurred because I got sick on my stomach. I truly am beginning to think the purpose of my existence is to provide God with comedic relief, especially during such trying times as the ones we are living in-He really needs some laughter these days! Saturday night, Ava had a stomach problem which I have written about before, it’s called cyclic migraines. She had a spell in the middle of the night with that, or so I thought. When I talked with Mama Sunday, she described much of what Ava went through with herself that same night. I figured they must of had a little bug. I closed The Berry Patch at 7, but I had the Pioneer Woman’s 16 minute chicken pot pie on my mind plus, Jack had a request for shrimp, scallops, & clams. Of course Hugh Hefner did! Our fine grocery store of Ellerbe, Food King had shrimp & scallops thank goodness! He also requested a pumpkin pie after seeing a few cans of pumpkin that I had lying out on the counter. I was going to experiment with a recipe I saw on Facebook. Jack got the idea for the seafood from watching my fave Guy Fieri on Food Network. I have always, always, always said I was going to write a rendition of If you give a pig a pancake book about Jack. If Jack sees something, it leads to something else & the trend continues all day fetching this or that, doing this or that. I also had a ton of clothes to deal with. It had been a rainy/cloudy week & I wasn’t able to hangout clothes until this day since the sun was finally out (y’all know I’m a hippie). I had also ironed several things that needed attention. My aunt has always said a good indication of getting a stomach bug is an increase in hunger, I’ve never experienced that because I’m always hungry, but I definitely had an increase in energy. Those clothes have been awaiting by the ironing board for months-no joke! Why I waited til then to do it, who knows!

Well, Sunday night just after midnight, I got the sudden urge to vomit & all I could think about was never eating food again-y’all know I was sick if I never wanted to eat again! Thankfully I never threw up, but I got weak as water, hot, belly aching. Throwing up is so traumatic for me. I never do, but when I do it’s so hard, loud, & vile. I feel like Billy Blanks has done the P90X inside my very out-of-shape body. To the bathroom I ran! I looked like our customers, the ones that have a certain gleam in their eye signaling to us they need a bathroom, pronto! We are always able to predict what a customer wants just by the look in their eyes, call us the produce psychics. Be it peaches or strawberries in December, Dixie Lee peas in March, thank goodness we can at least have the restrooms year round! There’s a look in the eye for all things produce related, not just what Gary Puckett & the Uniongap sing about in their song, Woman, Woman when he croons “a woman wears a certain look when she is on the move”. Remember that tune?

At that hour of night is mine & Jack’s witching hour. I get him up to take him to the bathroom, brush his teeth for the night, give meds, change clothes if needed, read the Bible while he’s on the toilet or sing songs while Teddy’s nosey self tries to barge in on our time. But with my belly grumbling, I knew Jack would not get any Mama time that night. After my first run to the bathroom, I figured we must of had a quick, little bug. I have ovarian cysts that erupt from time to time & when I do, everyone in Ellerbe knows it. I holler & cry something awful. Lee was well rested by this point, he had had seven naps from 7pm-midnight & I ain’t lying about that so I didn’t feel bad about collapsing on our bed begging him for ice water. He shot up like a light & asked if it was my uterus! I didn’t even know he knew what a uterus was! I wanted to be my usual sarcastic self & say “fool, I’m not pregnant” 🤣🤣 but there was no energy for that. In Lee’s rush to get me some ice water after I collapsed on the bed for my parched throat, he takes the ironing board & throws it on top of the bed upside down.

The calamity continued, after going to the bathroom again, the toilet decided to clog. I’ll tell you, they don’t make commodes like they used to. We remodeled our house during the governments “save water” campaign-MISTAKE. My advice to all new couples is to purchase a washing machine, dryer, refrigerator, & commode from a very old house having a yard sale! We don’t have enough water in any our toilets to cover the hole hardly. This is the “hole” issue-pun intended. That dinged-danged commode gets clogged all the time! So that was another issue Lee was going to have to deal with. Doesn’t a commode always clog during a terrible moment? As I was on the throne, Jack tried his best to get into the bathroom. Sweetly he asked from the other side of the door if I needed anything, then he said, “what about my pumpkin pie?” I can’t tell y’all my thoughts on this one! When I finally got to come out, I began feeling better & sat down in Jack’s recliner for recovery & support. Lee was full-on in Mama-mode but very aggravated & sassy. I get it, he gets up early & deserves a nice sleep, but I got immense pleasure from him having to do my duties, too much pleasure in fact. Jack wanted all his clothing to be changed even down to his undies. While Jack was waiting on Lee to come back & help, Jack called me over to his bed to investigate what was on his legs. There were pure white dots speckled all over his thighs, I had never seen anything like it. My mind already delirious from sickness, I began running through disorders in my head convinced Jack yet another rare condition of the skin this time. In walks Lee with a wet washcloth, it was toothpaste! I needed to rest! Lee had already gone through the interrogation of questions while Jack was using the bathroom & brushing his teeth which I found so comical, but the questions still kept rolling. As I sat in Jack’s recliner watching the spectacle, I snorted with laughter, the kind that makes you cry. Nothing Lee did was right. I was saying in my head “welcome to my world”. Let’s face it, most duties fall on the Mama’s, so being able to watch this brought me the utmost joy.

Quick update on Jack. He hasn’t been doing so well this week. He fell into a bad slope due to constipation. So we are back to trying to get him to ingest liquids & food & trying to get him to sit on the commode which is such a struggle. I can’t tell y’all how much time it takes to get Jack to just ingest a cup of drink. None of us mind doing anything for our kids at all, but just imagine the patience it takes to do that & then the eating. So much of my time is devoted to Jack trying to provide just the basics for him to live, not to mention the time just hanging out & sitting with him. If y’all can be in prayer that Jack gets over this hump quickly, we would appreciate it.

There you have it folks, a tale of an ironing board, cooking, sickness, & laughter all rolled into one. By the time Lee was finished being a Mama, he was good & ill with me for laughing like a hyena. He went to bed pouting, I went to bed laughing for once instead of crying and/or frustrated. And pictured below is Jack helping me make the pumpkin pie he ate only one slice of which I had to make when I got home from playing two softball tournament games after 10:30pm the day after my bug. Let’s hope this is the last sickness of the year!