What times of turmoil we live in. It makes me sad. The whole energy of our country is off. People aren’t happy any more which is a combo of many things. All the news is bad, people are ill, people are more lonely now than ever. This is how I have felt in the latter years of my life, but I have been able to feed off of others people’s positive energy to improve mine. Now that’s not the case. I’m just blah. As craziness still continues in our home with Jack, I look to other people to help lift me up & that’s not happening any more. People fuss about everything. Anything good that people try to do, there is always a negative Nancy lurking around the corner. It’s more prevalent now because of social media. The isolation that people have been experiencing because of Corona is no joke. Now for me & my family, it’s not really been any different since we own an essential business, the only difference for us, is other people not enjoying life as much & Ava doesn’t have much to do other than work. People don’t have any news to share since there are no goings-on, people are hung up on politics, masks, & negativity. Everyone is a doctor, a nurse, & a public health specialist. Everyone judges you from the way you tie your shoes to how you look. Social media in many ways is the devil. Critics are everywhere. I miss the days when Lee used to call Facebook, Foodbook because all people posted about was what they were cooking and/or eating. As much as Mama & I like to chide about people not being able to cook, it’s all in good fun. Nothing is ever meant to be malicious. We have tried to bring a little laughter into your hearts & home with our videos. But people can be so hateful, some have nothing better to do other than sit on their phones & criticize others. I made three posts on Facebook the other day & one on each one, someone had something negative to say. One was about us having to explain what a soft peach is. Excuse me, but if you don’t know what the word soft indicates, you got problems. So I took that post down. One was about our homegrown tomatoes being in, I was criticized for saying the word mater. Obviously I have somewhat of a vernacular or I wouldn’t write blogs, it was meant to be funny. This has made me despise people. There is no way a person could say nowadays that the sky was blue without some idiot arguing with you. I am sick of it. I would love to close the book on Facebook but can’t because that’s how we reach a lot of our customers. People, you don’t have to comment on everything you read. If you don’t like it, keep scrolling, it’s so very simple.
I was thinking last night about people in similar shoes as we are with Jack, especially during Corona. I call Jack an abuser, although his abuse is inadvertent. The abuse he puts us through is similar to what I think a wife or child of an abuser must feel. Walking on eggshells, afraid of misplacing something that the abuser might need & can’t find, afraid in general of breathing the wrong way & setting off a violent attack. Some people are tortured daily with violent attacks, a lot of those people looked forward to school & work to get away from an inescapable situation. I told Lee that the things Jack said to me & did to me, would put any man I was connected to other than my child 6 feet under, but I take it from Jack. Why you may ask, it’s because the system is broken. There are extremely limited facilities for Jack due to having both mental & severe medical needs. He could go to a place for 45 days no problem, could go tonight, but he has to be out by the 45 day limit. That’s not even an option. When Jack goes somewhere, it’s going to have to be for good. By the time they got him settled down from the transition from home to facility, 45 days would be up. There will not be any coming back because he is going to hate & resent us for taking him out of his home, out of the only place he has been able to find comfort. I can’t even imagine a living a life without him being a part of ours, but it is going to be a necessary evil. Every second of my day & night revolves around Jack. I feel for all of those connected to me, my time for the last 18 years has been severely tied up & my mind distracted with the worries of what Jack is up to. I distracted my mind in downtime a lot of times with Facebook, looking at pictures, being jealous of friends vacations, but I loved it. Those types of things were something that helped me. Now, it’s not fun. Facebook is mean, vicious, political, crazy. People have no life any more because of Corona. People say, “I don’t want to go back to work” or “I love staying home”. Well do it boo boo, but it’s not feasible for most.
There are times that I despise Jack. He can be so mean & hateful. Just this morning as he woke up, he talked to me like he was the ruler of the world. Get me this, get me that, stop that mess were the words I heard. The only difference is, I get to go to work in a few hours & I can forget about his “tude” for the time being. A lot of people don’t have that luxury now, they are forced to avoid work & school due to the shut down & that’s just not fair. The control Jack has over our lives is unbearable a lot of the time, imagine not having any interactions & being holed up in a house all day with a Hitler type without any reprieve. I know Lee & Mama get tired of hearing me complain about Jack & perhaps y’all, but they/y’all are my only sounding board. Keeping Jack in our home has been the most binding, unsafe, detrimental decision we ever made. If I could turn back time, I would of started our journey in finding a home for Jack much earlier than I have. No doubt this is going to be the hardest thing we will have ever had to face to date when it does occur, but it is necessary. It’s scary to think about. It would be easier if we could talk to Jack about it, but our hands our tied. He would flip out.
Jack’s newest thing has become the “stomachache” that some kids fake to avoid going to school. His is to get more attention. Anytime I get ready for work or am delayed in coming home, he starts about his stomach. Now it could be true, but I’m pretty sure he is only complaining about it during those times to get more attention. So infuriating & frustrating.
This blog is all over the place I know, but I seriously can’t take people any more. The majority of all are cool, but some of ya ain’t. I realize that Corona is real, I know that it has taken lives, but the way we are living now is hurting so many people mentally & physically in some cases, economic ways, just all around hurt. Stop being the mask police, stop being the political popo, stop judging every freaking one for having an opinion different than yours. As I said in a previous Corona blog post a few months ago, mind ya business. Too many people are hurting due to being quarantined & shut-in, our children & elderly especially & those in hospitals & residential facilities. Their hearts are breaking by not having any visitors. And I know from personal experience with Jack & my Daddy, that if you don’t have a patient advocate (aka a loved one) with you while in the hospital, mixups happen. All of this is so unfair & now because everyone’s strings are being pulled too tight because of Corona, quarantine, political divide, not having any leisure activities to take your mind off of all of the above, those strings are about to break. We all need to calm down (self included). Think & post about positivity, find things that make you laugh, read, cross stitch, anything to keep negative thoughts & words from entering your mind & the keyboard. Most importantly, just keep scrolling! So although whether people are or aren’t wearing masks can be concerning, don’t make it your life or obsession, it’s annoying no matter where you fall on the decision. You aren’t going to convince an adult either way. Just try to be happy if you have a nice home life, home is everything to us & is a safe place for most of you. Focus on the positive things in your life, not what people are or aren’t doing.