Melancholy

Melancholy is a word I enjoy saying, but not a feeling having liked experiencing. Most days as long as I can get out of the house without a major calamity, I know I will be okay. This week though has been tough on me. Owning a business & dealing with customers & employees, I have to try to put on a cheerful face & push all my inner demons aside. Maybe that is what helps keep me going when life’s difficulties with Jack overwhelm me, pretending is what it starts out to be, but then pretending turns into actually being happy… happyish for the day. If you didn’t happen to read my previous blog, then you missed out on Jack being blackmailed, nearly fighting over a magnetic chip clip, but also he has an infected fingernail from clipping it too much. Jack is sick. Whether it is from the nail or something else, I don’t know for sure. He isn’t running a fever, complaining of anything hurting, nor is he coughing. He looks weak nor is he eating or drinking. Along with the latter, he is sleeping a lot. My workday can not get started until Jack awakens, takes his meds, & I know he is settled. He’s been going to sleep around 10:30pm every night for nearly two weeks now & sleeping til almost noon the next day, even then I have to wake him. When I have to wake Jack, I am scared. He can be the most combative when his sleep is disturbed. I have to coddle him, baby him, & talk overly sweet to him. This goes on for 30 minutes or more. Here lately during his unknown illness, times have become worse upon his awakenings. I have to spend more time in his room trying to rouse him, being more nice & kind (which is not my nature) to him-all out of fear. A few mornings ago, desperate to try to get him to ingest some type of food, I physically fed him a bowl of grits. The entire time I fed him, Jack never opened his eyes, he pretend slept the whole time (attention getter). How could he not be getting enough attention when I was sitting there spoon feeding him! When people are on the ketogenic diet, don’t eat for a few days, or are sick, I can smell the sickness on their breath. Every morning when I open Jack’s door to start the daunting task of poking the bear, I can smell the sickness permeating from his breath. The best way I can describe this smell, is the smell of a butterbean shell. If you never shelled butterbeans in the summer in front of a box fan at Grandma’s or your Mama & Daddy’s house, you missed out. Some of the best times of my life right there! I remember singing into the box fan to hear the changes of my voice for fun, my how times have changed.

It is 12:17pm, I need to be at work but I can not leave the house until Jack awakens. He will not wake up. Lee has tried, I have been in there at least six times trying, nothing is working. So I sit here & wait. My entire life revolves around this one person. It’s easier to manage most days, all this week though has been difficult. Our whole crew at The BP awaits my arrival to be given tasks on how to proceed for the day. What really makes my top blow, but I guess only because I am already stressed to the max any way are nosey people. The customers/inquiring minds that wonder what I do all day. Some are brazen enough to ask to my face. I had one inquiring mind to say to me last week, “oh, you’re here, you’re never here”. I also had one man say, “so you come to work everyday at noon?” People worry about what I do & why I’m not behind the counter so they can see my face 24/7. Just because an owner of a business is not there all the time, doesn’t mean we are laid up eating bon-bons. It means we are operating a well-oiled machine & have people we trust while we attend to other business. Given, there might be a shipwreck in the Bermuda Triangle every now & then lol. People say, “don’t worry about what others think”. I don’t really, I only find it insulting. Some people have zero couth!

Waiting on Jack is what gets me down. As I sit here typing this blog, my mind wonders what the day will entail with him. I’m tempted to leave with him asleep but know the ramifications of doing so could be bad for his caregiver. Once he does wake up & gets settled, I then worry about how he’s going to behave today. We just don’t ever know. He could interact with a pervert, get blackmailed by some creep in China, could beat someone up, demand some sort of exotic food & make me have it shipped overnight, who knows! All of the above make me melancholy. Such a beautiful word, with a sad meaning. When I think of melancholy, I think of a southern belle sitting under a magnolia tree sipping her afternoon dose of sweet tea donned in a frilly lace dress & a straw hat with a big bow explaining to her debutante sisters how Rhett broke her heart & how it’s made her so melancholy to think a man could break heart like he did. In actuality, it’s me sitting on the deck alone, sweating to death awaiting the opening of Jack’s eyes, & wondering what the day & night has in store for our family. Although the world is a safer place when Jack is asleep, there is a such thing as sleeping too much. Sleeping too much makes people ill, especially teens, young adults, & people with mental health problems.

It’s hard to find the joy in life when we live a life such as ours, I guess that’s why food plays a large part in my life. It’s one of the few pleasures I can find. Am I sad, depressed, moody, down-in-the-dumps, I’ll choose to call it the more sophisticated words-melancholy.

Author: dravetsyndromeblog

44 year old Mama of three kids, wife of a farmer, & business owner. View all posts by dravetsyndromeblog