I have said nearly my whole young adult life into full-fledged adulthood that my life is like a continuous Seinfeld episode. I just have too many similarities to the show, this day being one of them. It started out as one of those days where everything goes wrong. Yesterday was gloomy & rainy, I didn’t have much planned since The Berry Patch would be slow, so Ava & I went to Mama & Daddys to hangout & help with their Christmas decorations. It all began when Mama dropped an essential part of her Christmas decor which was a silver candlestick to place a Christmas tree on to give it proper height on the mantel, the candlestick shattered into 1,000 pieces. Being the kind, produce-minded daughter that I am, I did two things in this order-I cleaned up the mess, then looked for an alternate height lifter for the tree. A can of mustard greens was the winning decision, who knew a can of greens could provide the same girth as a fancy candlestick…country girl wins (or so I thought). Remember the mantel episode on Seinfeld when George said his whole life could of been different if his parents had a mantel?
As Mama was decorating her house, we decided her decorations were outdated & dinky. She needed an emergency Kirkland’s trip, stat, poor Daddy! We didn’t take my car (mistake) because it was filled with pocketbooks & coats that I cleaned out from her closet last weekend & other stuff of mine that makes my Yukon look like a gypsy wagon. Our dining choice was a 1/2 hearted Ruby Tuesdays. Ava voted an emphatic no, Mama & Daddy said they didn’t care, I wanted a salad & their salad bar is usually pretty decent. We should of listened to the 13 year old. There are a few problems with RT in Southern Pines. First, getting in & out is their biggest crux, along with staffing issues, then there’s the quality of the food. Why would we go there you may be asking, good question! I wanted a “big salad” as Elaine from Seinfeld would say. The restaurant was dirty, servers were arguing with one another, plus there was a school bus in the parking lot, the sweet tea was horrific (all HUGE warning signs), but we stuck it out & ordered.
While eating our salad, Ava mentioned something about food poisoning. Which brought us to the time I actually had food poisoning while on “vacation” at the beach with the parents & the boys (pre-Ava days). I’m going to take you on a journey, a journey to explain why my life is like a sitcom & sometimes like the movie Deliverance. The boys were small, Jack was on the ketogenic diet for treatment of his seizures. The diet was extremely rigid & everything had to be followed to a T in order to be effective. Effective it was for 2.5 years (no seizures or medications during this time). All his food had to weighed, so I would make up his meals in advanced, label them, & be set for the day. In all my packing, I forgot the scale to weigh Jack’s food on. This was no ordinary scale, it was a gram scale, of course not something easily accessed unless you’re a coke dealer or a ketogenic diet follower. I didn’t discover not bringing the scale until that evening. I should of taken this as a sign to go home, however, the boys were so excited to be at the beach, but I was not feeling quite right. I made the dreaded call to Lee to see if I could talk him into bringing the scale to me 2.5 hours away. Now he had already farmed that day from sun-up to practically sundown, but he did. He arrived at the beach around 10pm, spent the night, left around 5am, bless his heart.
I awoke that morning deathly sick with severe cramps & severe diarrhea (the hardest word to spell ever). It was so severe that I had to go to the ER at the beach. Poor Daddy had to watch the boys & Mama was my CNA. The doctor prescribed me something that made me worse, diarrhea & cramping were intensified. I really tried to stick it out & not go back to the hospital, but the pain was overwhelming. I’ve had three natural childbirths with large babies & none were as painful as this. I think Coleman’s head was as big as it is now! My sister Jodie was on her way to join our lovely vacation that night (again, bless her heart), as soon as she walked in the door, Mama, Daddy, & myself loaded up to go to a different hospital. The hospital at that time of night was packed & I was the low one on the totem pole. My outfit was a pair of boxer shorts paired with a short robe which was really short considering I’m nearly 6 feet tall, hey, I had to have clothes that were easy to get on & off considering my status. I was laid out on those nasty waiting room chairs, up & down, back & forth to the restroom. People were talking, what is wrong with this chic! My parents were questioned by another woman waiting wanting to know about my condition. They said we think she has food poisoning. She went on to say I’ve probably got a worm, she had a friend with one who exhibited the same symptoms as mine. Her friend got it from drinking water. I remember Daddy chiming in to say, “boy, she drinks the water”. These three people diagnosed me in the waiting room & made me think I was dying, let me tell ya, I felt like I was!
Hours later & countless bathroom trips, my name was called, hallelujah! All I remember is the doctor asking about what was going on. Mama said, “I think she has food poisoning, but whatever it is, you’re gonna have to kill her. She has ruined our vacation thus far!” I am dying laughing as I type this. Then I remember the best part of this whole ordeal…morphine. Best stuff ever. I did not have a worm, but I had a very upset husband. Lee had to come back to the beach the next day & pick me up. I will make his remark clean, I was told he was coming to get my “tail” & he was not coming back. He had already been to the beach twice in less than 24 hours & never even got to see the beach! A few days later, I began to improve at home & was so very thankful.
Here’s a few clips of our reminiscing, kids always have the camera rolling.
As we were telling Ava about our vacation from hell, we were crying laughing. Such a funny story to look back on. Back to our Ruby Tuesdays experience. After eating, we ran to the car because it’s raining cats & dogs, I try to crank the car & no luck-dead battery. Jodie & her boyfriend saved the day by giving us a jump. We headed to Advanced Auto, got a replacement battery, then off to Kirkland’s to get a supply of stylish, contemporary, big (not dinky) Christmas decor. After a little shopping, we started home through the Pinehurst area. As soon as I saw the blue lights, I knew I was in trouble, there was a license check. When I turned 43 this past October, my license expired. I have had a little too much to worry about over the last year-my expired license was the last thing on my mind. Ava was hysterical! She thought I was going to jail, was already questioning who she would stay with while I was in the slammer. There was no amount of reasoning with her, she was crying uncontrollably until I told her I would not be going to jail unless she kept on, then I would be arrested for beating her in front of the popo (of course this would never happen, but mamas got to threaten sometimes). The cop comes back to the car after running my license with a ticket & said it would be dropped if I got them renewed & took my ticket & my new license to the DMV. What ever happened to warning tickets!
After Ava’s nervous breakdown, my next worry was where to the hide the evil spawn of the devil. What is the evil spawn of the the devil you may ask? It is the Elf on the Shelf. How I hate this stuffed red devil so much. I can not be the only parent out there. The woman that invented such torment needs to be held accountable for the torture parents are put through by something that isn’t real & weighs less than two ounces! I wake up at 3am some mornings in a cold sweat panicked remembering that I didn’t hide the elf! Jack is the only believer in the house now, was not even interested in anything the elf did last year, so it’s nice to have his interest again. But to all you parents that breakout the bags of spilled flour or sugar that your elf made a mess with or those that build an elaborate scheme with rope, toilet paper, & legos, kudos to you. I’m just lucky to put ours on a ledge of a shelf or sitting on the steps.
None of these things get me in a tizzy. I can usually laugh about my stories & I hope you can, too. I never thought I’d be writing a blog, much less a blog about diarrhea. Perhaps Hollywood will get wind of my tales & we’ll be the next Seinfeld show. There are many to share, hope I made you smile. Until next time…
3 thoughts on “My life the Seinfeld series”
Amy! Girl your life truly should be on the big screen!!! I nearly laughed throughout this blog! 🤣
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You are very talented! You can bring out every emotion in your readers! This one I laughed a lot. You are still one of the most amazing strong women I have ever had the pleasure to meet. I can see you one day in a famous bookstore signing autographs! ❤️
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You’re too sweet, I can only hope.