Thursdays

Most of you love Thursdays.  Thursday is the gateway to the weekend, the day before Friday, almost the weekend-what’s not to be happy about, right?  I have a love/hate relationship with Thursday.  Thursdays are my Mondays.  Not just this Thursday but every Thursday since the night of Jack’s last attack on us THURSDAY, December 7, 2017, not that long ago.  Thursdays has always been Ava’s dance night, which meant I typically would get to escape the house for a few hours to read a book while she was dancing or eating out with friends.  On the night of Jack’s last attack, Ava was at dance & I was running around town doing errands & enjoyed eating out with Mama.  When I got the call from Coleman to hurry home, I had just pulled up at dance to pick Ava up & chaos ensued.  The taste of fear immediately entered my mouth (it’s a sharp, metallic taste in case you were wondering).

It’s like the time you ate something & puked it up, you never want to eat it again because it left a bad memory.  Or the time my Daddy was very ill with extremely low hemoglobin & the doctors couldn’t figure out why he was so sick.  During that time I was wearing the Elizabeth Arden fragrance, Green Tea, I can never go back to that scent again because it takes me back to that dark time.  Thursdays are a day I never want to relive again, unless they are like the one last Thursday or the previous Thursdays when Jack was not raging.

Thursdays I suppose will always be a day I walk on eggshells.  My mind latches onto bad memories so hard, that I have a hard time forgetting.  Every single Thursday feels like terror is going to follow.  When midnight arrives, I can take a deep sigh & be thankful we made it another Thursday.  Now, I know that the reality is Jack can rage at any moment making me dislike another day, but for right now, Thursday has left a fear in a my soul so deep that I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.

And Thursdays is not the only time I live in fear.  If I leave the house, I am constantly worrying, calling, and/or texting to check if everything is okay.  One of the best traits I received from my parents, was the gift of not being a worrier & having a sense of humor.  Imagine going from never worrying about much at all, to worrying nearly every moment you leave the house & while you are in it-it’s no fun at all!  The most heartbreaking part of me leaving the house when my Mama, Daddy, my Aunt Ruby, or Mrs. Teal is in charge, is handing over the mace I carry around all the time in case Jack acts out again.  Y’all may think carrying mace is extreme, but it gives me a sense of security that I am unable to obtain when I’m home alone with just Jack or just Jack & the kids.  Having Lee home with me, is my security blanket.  I need his strength to make it through.  I’m truly thankful he hasn’t run for the hills, a lot of marriages can’t withstand the cruel & unusual circumstances that has unfolded in our lives.

Through continued prayers & medication changes, my hope is that Thursdays will feel like your Thursdays do-excited & hopeful for the weekend.

Author: dravetsyndromeblog

44 year old Mama of three kids, wife of a farmer, & business owner. View all posts by dravetsyndromeblog